Baby No. 2 anxiety

Tomorrow marks the entry into the last month of my pregnancy. My due date is 28 Sep 2013. A lot have been going through my mind recently. I am excited - we are going to have another baby soon, a baby boy, God's perfect gift. I am worried - who should be the caretaker for the baby when I finish my maternity leave? We still have not made up our mind. I am nervous - with a toddler and a baby I am not sure if we can cope with the morning and evening routines without any help... ... Above all, I can also get really emotional at times.

I don't know how to be a mother of two.

I don't know how the arrival of my new baby will affect my daughter Kah Yen, and my relationship with her.

I don't know if I am able to love both of my children, wholeheartedly, and 100%. Or do I need to divide my love between them?

......

For almost three years, Kah Yen has been the center of my life. (I know all parenting and marriage books will tell you - No, your children should never be the center of your life.) She has brought me so much joy and laughter. We have spent so many memorable moments together. And whenever I am with her, I always make sure I am 100% with her, my body, my heart and my mind. But soon, the arrival of our new baby will take part of me away from her. I have no doubt I will not love her less because there is a new baby in my arms, but my energy, my attention, my time and my patience will all be divided. Oh how much will she be affected! And how much the thought of it is affecting me now!

It didn't help if I were to go for C-section, (We are still deciding on this and we are going to seek a second opinion before we make the final decision.) I will need more time to rest and recover which means for at least two weeks I won't be able to bath her, carry her and just play with her, something I am doing now everyday.

I have heard mothers of two or three shared how their heart grows with the number of babies they have, making room for each new life. I have not experienced it yet. Maybe I will experience that moment when I finally hold Baby #2 in my arms. Maybe by then I won't need to worry about Kah Yen anymore because my heart has grown, it will love Kah Yen not less, but more, and it will still have room to love my new born baby, wholeheartedly.

I am waiting.

For that magical moment of motherhood.

EURO Fun Park

We went back to Ipoh during the long weekend and had the chance to visit the EURO fun park which will be there for two weeks. According to our family stay in Ipoh it has been years since the last time they had the fun park. I doubt it actually comes all the way from Europe, but it is so rare these days it becomes a big draw for families with young children.

I was quite thrilled to bring Kah Yen there, though at the back of my mind I knew she would be too young for most of the rides. Turns out, this girl is certainly more brave and daring than I thought.  She went ahead to take rides with children mostly older than her.

She went up the big wheel with Daddy and Grandma. It was so high I myself didn't have the courage to go up, of course I used the big belly as a perfect excuse. She was not scared. She just enjoyed making funny faces in front of camera nowaways.

This is her on the aeroplane ride. The thing turns much faster than I expected. I am glad it did not scare her.

This is her on the high way train. This train has 5 to 6 cabins, is fast, goes up and down terrains, and horns each time it comes down from the slope. It is obvious her favorite. She took it twice.

  

This is me and her on the animal train. This is more like the kiddy version we sometimes see in outdoor carnivals in Singapore.

There are other exciting rides too, but I'd be crazy if I allowed her to take these two below.

 

VBAC

I was quite disappointed when my new gynae told me during our last check up to choose a date for Caesarean. He did not bother to ask us if we'd like to go for a normal delivery. The way he brought it up is as if normal delivery is not even an option to consider.

Ever since the beginning of this pregnancy, I have been mentally preparing myself for a normal delivery for this baby. I wanted a normal delivery for my first baby too but her position was breech, which left us with no option but an operation.

I have been reading about VBAC - Vaginal birth after Ceasarean. It is highly possible and many people have done it. And I think I should be a good candidate for VBAC, given that my first operation was due to baby's position rather than birth complications. I am still relatively young. I am healthy and active. And so far there isn't any complications throughout this pregnancy.

But, my gynae seems to prefer to avoid risk. When I asked him if it's possible to go for natural delivery. He simply brushed it off saying "There is risk.". Certainly there is risk. There is risk in everything we do, even for a completely healthy person to give birth through normal delivery for the first time, that could be risk too. From what I read I know the biggest fear of VBAC is uterine rupture, where the scar tissues of the uterus opens during pushing, which calls for an emergency C section to save mother and baby's life. This of course sounds very serious, but statistically the risk of uterus rupture is less than 1 percent. Every day you drive on the road there is risk of accident too but do people stop driving because of that?

I was so torn. Should I insist on trying normal delivery, or should I listen to the doctor? Or should I go back to my old gynae to have another opinion? I changed gynae not because of anything else but distance.

I am not trying to be a super woman, wanting to go for a natural delivery and show the world what I can do. No. I just want a shorter recovery so that I can be more attentive to my daughter Kah Yen during the transitional stage. She is already being robbed most of me due to the arrival of her baby brother, I will feel really bad if I have to be bed-rested for 2 weeks and couldn't bath her and play toys with her when she comes back from school.

I have a toddler in the house, that's why I want a natural delivery. Not out of my selfish desire, but out of a mother's love for her children.

What should I do?